Amir Levine

Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.

Unlike the anxious, you don’t let an activated attachment system distract you—you aren’t addicted to the highs and lows of being with someone who keeps you guessing all the time. Unlike avoidants, you aren’t diverted by false fantasies of the perfect person waiting for you or “the one” that got away, and you don’t unconsciously employ deactivating strategies that cause you to get cold feet when someone starts to get close.

you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that.

The important thing about her approach is that Tanya assumes that if her partner treats her disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth.

But in case of doubt, one of the tools most frequently used by people with a secure attachment style is effective communication—they simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts. If their partner shows true concern for their well-being and a willingness to find a middle ground, they’ll give the relationship a chance.

Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.

Secure adults naturally know how to soothe their partners and take care of them—it’s an innate talent

people with a secure attachment style view their partners’ well-being as their responsibility. As long as they have reason to believe their partner is in some sort of trouble, they’ll continue to back him or her.

Their conflict is about how close and committed they want to be to each other

When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue. We call this situation the “anxious-avoidant trap,” because like a trap, you fall into it with no awareness, and like a trap, once you’re caught, it’s hard to break free.