Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

We mind our Ps and Qs

Second, clarify what you really don’t want.

First, clarify what you really want.

Just right: “I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that what’s going on here? If so, I’d like to know what I did to lose your trust.”

Just right: “I don’t think you’re intending this, but I’m beginning to feel rejected.”

Tentative, not wimpy. Some people are so worried about being too forceful or pushy that they err in the other direction. They wimp out by making still another Fool’s Choice. They figure that the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if it’s not important

Be confident enough to share what you really want to express

It takes confidence. To be honest, it can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I’m wondering if you’re a thief”). It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story, you’ll realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves hearing. And by starting with the facts, you’ve laid the groundwork. By thinking through the facts and then leading with them, you’re much more likely to have the confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool

BRIAN: I’m not sure that you’re intending to send this message, but I’m beginning to wonder if you don’t trust me. Maybe you think I’m not up to the job or that I’ll get you into trouble. Is that what’s going on? [The possible story]

Begin your path with facts. In