Loving Your Parents When They Can No Longer Love You

God does want us to take on the responsibility of caring for our parents and does want us to be openhanded in our giving, but he also wants us to achieve balance. There are other things in our lives and in his kingdom that must be done. Living successfully means we are even and balanced in the way we live life.

“I think I just need to face what needs to be done each day and just do it instead of worrying about everything I’ve lost.”

I told Alice, “I think all of us desire to have life the way we want it, but I think God wants us to hold what happens in an openhanded way. When we are openhanded, we give what is necessary to our parents—but when we have the same open hand, we’re also able to receive what God is giving to us or teaching us. I think that’s the key in thinking about the job you face. Caregiving is part of your life now. It isn’t about what we are missing but more about what we’re learning and receiving from the process of the give-and-take of life.”

These are nice images and nice ideas. The problem is, they don’t represent how the family is or how the family was. When these false images turn into “facts,” we tend to hold ourselves to unreasonable (if not impossible) standards that tend to increase our guilt and frustration.

When it works properly, caregiving is a great blessing. It is a blessing, not only because it teaches us the humility necessary to look at ourselves honestly but also because it teaches us about the grace of true, unconditional love.

If my mother physically abused me, then others should understand why I have a bad temper.

We all cry out for understanding when life treats us unfairly.

People are usually not mean, manipulative, or abusive for no reason. And the stories of our irresponsible parents are also worth hearing

It stops the abuse, but it also opens up the opportunity and possibility that a more positive relationship can develop.

It provides a way to fulfill our responsibilities as caregivers to our older parents without subjecting ourselves to further damage from them.