What My Bones Know

When we say someone is resilient, we mean that they adapt well to conditions of adversity—

“Big things, make small. Small things, make nothing. When someone wrongs you, never keep it in your heart. Let it go. Smile through your tears. Swallow your pain.”

For ten years I thought I could outrun my past. But today I realize that running isn’t working. I need to do something else.

. Everything—everything, all of it—is infected. My trauma is literally pumping through my blood, driving every decision in my brain.

I’m tired of pulling. I don’t want to pull anymore. I want a dumbwaiter, or an escalator, or a floating rainbow drug cloud. Anything to lift me toward emotional stability. To fix me.

Melody Beattie said, “Gratitude turns what we have into enough.”

I had to systematize the light.

I must not be a monster. Would a monster be capable of receiving this much kindness? No—I must be loved tremendously. I must be magic.

So even though my friends were constantly attempting to fill the great void of my self-hatred with generous words, assurances, and compliments…they were all simply getting sucked into that black hole, mere crumbs for my intense desire.

A woman is simply supposed to provide, not to need.