The Pisces

I needed to feel seen by someone, even someone I barely knew and did not like.

But the only real excitement left was the challenge of roping him into our imaginary future.

But four years into the relationship I wanted desperately for Jamie to ask me to marry him, if only because he wouldn’t.

People say that youth is wasted on the young,

But really, I knew that everything came down to her shorts. All of the answers were in that ass line—the reduction of all fear, all unknown, all nothingness, eclipsed by the ass line. It was holding its own in all of this. It was just existing as though living was easy. The ass line didn’t really have to do anything, but it was running the whole show. All dialogue began and ended at that ass line. The direction of their evening, their conversation, and in a way, the universe ended there. I hated them.

Or maybe they were just stupid. Oh, the sweet gift of stupidity. I envied them.

Could anyone be totally ignorant of the void? Didn’t all of us have an awareness of it, a brush with it—perhaps only once or twice, like at a funeral for someone very close to you, when you walked out of the funeral home and it stopped making sense for just a blip that you existed.

I, myself, had a very complicated relationship with emptiness, blankness, nothingness. Sometimes I wanted only to fill it, frightened that if I didn’t it would eat me alive or kill me. But sometimes I longed for total annihilation in it—a beautiful, silent erasure. A desire to be vanished.

The question is not what is love, but is it really love I’m looking for?

What had always felt to me like an overabundance of want, too much desire, had not been the problem. It was my fear of having to feel it that hurt me. Theo was afraid too. That innate desire was something warm, lovely even, but his fear had turned it into something cold.
Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to need, even if you risked rejection.