Aunts Aren't Gentlemen

My attention was drawn to the spots on my chest when I was in my bath, singing, if I remember rightly, the Toreador song from the opera Carmen. They were pink in colour, rather like the first faint flush of dawn, and I viewed them with concern. I am not a fussy man, but I do object to being freckled like a pard, as I once heard Jeeves describe it, a pard, I take it, being something in the order of one of those dogs beginning with d.
'Jeeves,' I said at the breakfast table, 'I've got spots on my chest.'
'Indeed, sir?'
'Pink.'
'Indeed, sir?'
'I don't like them.'
'A very understandable prejudice, sir. Might I enquire if they itch?'
'Sort of.'
'I would not advocate scratching them.'
'I disagree with you. You have to take a firm line with spots. Remember what the poet said.'
'Sir?'
'The poet Ogden Nash. The poem he wrote defending the practice of scratching. Who was Barbara Frietchie, Jeeves?'
'A lady of some prominence in the American war between the States, sir.'
'A woman of strong character? One you could rely on?'
'So I have always understood, sir.'
'Well, here's what the poet Nash wrote. "I'm greatly attached to Barbara Frietchie. I'll bet she scratched when she was itchy." But I shall not be content with scratching. I shall place myself in the hands of a competent doctor.'

'The ultimate in comfort reading because nothing bad ever happens in P.G. Wodehouse land. Or even if it does, it's always sorted out by the end of the book. For as long as I'm immersed in a P.G. Wodehouse book, it's possible to keep the real world at bay and live in a far, far nicer, funnier one where happy endings are the order of the day' Marian Keyes

freckled like a pard,

I took no umbrage, accordingly, if umbrage is the thing you take when people start ordering you about, making allowances for his state of mind

I was told he made fiery far-to-the-left speeches, while I was more the sort that is content just to exist beautifully.

And in due season I suggested a merger. But apparently I was not the type, and no business resulted.

Indeed, sir?'
'Pink.'
'Indeed, sir?'
'I don't like them.'

there if a daughter blots her copybook, her father chops her head off and buries her in the back garden.

He's been having a spot of domestic trouble

obably having trouble with his vocal cords, to snort visibly