The Way I Am Now

Josh wasn’t fighting me off. He was just taking it.

You’re allowed to change your mind, okay?” I tell her as I bend down and lean into the car window. “If you decide you want me there, I’m there.”

look over at her and think, I have nothing left to wish for.

“Want me to start carrying around a stool for you everywhere we go?” I ask.

Because it wouldn’t be someone like Josh—there’s no one like Josh—it would be Josh.

“Yes, because at least she talked to me,” I repeat

Back then I felt like I had no choice but to accept whatever kind of affection was offered to me even if it wasn’t what I wanted or needed. But maybe we can only accept the love we think we deserve

“I—I’m a mess. I’m actively destroying my life over this

, then… we’re doing this for real this time?”

“No. We’re friends. But we’re not friends like you and I are friends. If you know what I mean?”