Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

, and just staring thoughtfully up at the sky.

“Don’t ask me what I’m thinking,” he says, grinning over at me when he sees me looking

I’m Josh’s girlfriend, whether he wants me or not.

“I think what I liked was being someone’s person.”

to remind him that this is his life and he only has to tell people as much—or as little—as he wants.

I swear my mouth and my brain are siblings who hate each other and give each other wedgies in the form of mortifying moments like this.

when I meet someone I love, I become an octopus and wind my tentacles around their heart, tighter and tighter until they can’t deny they love me just the same

“I was thinking you’re shaped like my favorite dildo.”

Besides, it’s not like I can get more pregnant.

“I mean, like a naked sleepover.”

He leans in until his breath mixes with mine, and he gently pulls off my baseball cap, tossing it to the floor. “I knew what you meant.”

Josh fucking Im. The blueprint for Perfect.