Douglas Stone

Indeed, a self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust; it provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand.

as you move away from an all-or-nothing identity and toward a more complex view of who you are, you’ll notice that it is easier to accept certain parts of yourself that have given you trouble in the past.

more easily you can admit to your own mistakes, your own mixed intentions, and your own contributions to the problem, the more balanced you will feel during the conversation, and the higher the chances it will go well.

When you hold yourself to an all-or-nothing standard, even a small mistake can seem catastrophic and almost impossible to admit. If you are busy trying to shore up your “no mistakes, no failures” identity, you won’t be able to engage in a meaningful learning conversation.

1. You Will Make Mistakes. If you can’t admit to yourself that you sometimes make mistakes, you’ll find it more difficult to understand and accept the legitimate aspects of the other person’s story about what is going on.

One reason people are reluctant to admit mistakes is that they fear being seen as weak or incompetent. Yet often, generally competent people who take the possibility of mistakes in stride are seen as confident, secure, and “big enough” not to have to be perfect, whereas those who resist acknowledging even the possibility of a mistake are seen as insecure and lacking confidence. No one is fooled.

Your Intentions Are Complex. Sometimes we get nervous about upcoming conversations because we know that our past behavior was not always motivated by good intentions.

e.”

3. You Have Contributed to the Problem. A t

The question is not whether you will get knocked over. You will. The real question is whether you are able to get back on your feet and keep the conversation moving in a productive direction.

Learning that you can’t control the other person’s reaction, and that it can be destructive to try, can be incredibly liberating