MesserMoon

And Remus should just let him go. It’s what he wants. To be left alone. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, when he sees Sirius’s hand on the door, he hears himself say

“You will always belong with me Reg,” James whispers against his temple. “Always.”

Sirius opens his eyes, looking right at him. “You really think you’re in this alone?”

Sometimes,

Remus thinks before he can stop himself.

Sometimes you feel so far away.

he can’t lose him. He doesn’t have anything else. Doesn’t have a mum, doesn’t have a home, or a future, shit, he barely has a dad. Loving Sirius is the only thing that feels like his anymore. And he knows that he’ll always have to share him with James, but he’s made peace with that, because James will never get to kiss the freckle just below Sirius’s left ear, or feel the way Sirius’s hands tremble for the first few seconds after they find skin, like it’s a thrill every time. He’ll never know how Sirius tastes. Those things will always be Remus’s and they’re enough. More than enough.

“I don’t want you to know everything I know,” he says quietly. “I don’t even want to know everything I know. Some things you can’t take back. Can’t forget. I don’t want to do that to you,” another pause and then; “Please don’t make me do that to you.”

James squeezes his eyes shut and resists the urge to break something. To tear the world apart for everything it’s done to Reg. “I’m so sorry,” he finally manages.

“No don’t—I don’t deserve it.”

This isn’t Reg anymore. It’s the heir to the noble and most ancient house of Black. James has learned to spot the difference between them.

“You’re the bravest person I know, also the stupidest mind you, but, I imagine there’s a lot of cross over between those traits.”

“Look, I love you—“

“No don’t—" Regulus instantly recoils. “Don’t say that just because you think it’ll make the hard stuff easier to hear. I don’t—“ he looks about himself, grasping for the right words. “Please don’t say it if you don’t mean it. And not in some abstract “I loved you before maybe I’ll love you again” kind of way. Don’t say it unless you mean it right now, because this is who I am right now. All of the stuff I’ve done...I can’t go back. I can't be who I was before. Even if that person was easier to love. So don’t say it unless you’re saying it to me, now. Unless you mean it right now.”

I know that he’s made mistakes. I know that. Terrible mistakes. But he’s—he’s really not—he’s not like that. He’s not like them. I promise. I swear.

He sounds so young.

James just wants to hold him.

James just wants to scream.