John Gray

In this book I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex.)

men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.

In chapter 3 we’ll discover the different ways men and women cope with stress. While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what’s bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what’s bothering them.

We will explore how to motivate the opposite sex in chapter 4. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

: men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.

Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful.

Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman’s feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man’s defenses.

Men will learn that for Venusians every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift men are reminded that the little expressions of love are just as important; 101 ways to score points with women are listed. Women, however, will learn to redirect their energies into ways that score big with men by giving men what they want.

She forms a home-improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists—waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. “Don’t fix it unless it is broken” is a common expression.

When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.