Conte on the rocks, cucumbers, and an ox on the brink of extinction

The Mousa Dembélé appreciation society and Jesé’s hot breath on Charlie Adam’s neck

Hard hands, Pards goes deep and Old Trafford worms

Rifts, replays and robbery

Shot-stoppers, fisticuffs and an apology to Depeche Mode (and Rod Fanni)

Arsenal’s new nadir, McTominay dominates, and the ballad of Royston Drenthe

VARce, Arsenal’s atrophication, and the battle of the bottom

Rubbernecking, chocolate legs and Jay Bothroyd

Allegri plays his hand, PSG’s meek surrender, and Dulwich Hamlet stay strong

Toxicity, complicity and pitchside relief